I am trying not to feel. To be honest, I am not trying so hard. Surviving has numbed me out and even my body is out of order. I am just waiting for my life to restart and trying to get ready for all the strain that comes with building from the ground up again.
I was sure of this. I still am, but I am tired. New bridges to cross, nuances to notice, tongues to speak. I have disassembled my life yet again, packed my ambition into four boxes, with high hopes of doing something different with the pieces.
This has been my go-to playlist in the past week.
And then Daddy Showkey came on:
"Shine ya eye
Shine ya eye well-well
Look your back
Look am well-well
Check yourself well-well"
"Iná jó, ògiri ó sá
Fire dey burn, wall no run
Stand for where you dey
Open your eyes
Shine am well-well
Check your back
and check it nicely"
I kind of needed to hear this.
There was a scene in the last film I watched that struck me. A medicine man was chanting incantations —
"today you become a rock, anyone that comes against you tumbles
today you become a rock, when water rages, it parts
today you become a rock, when fire burns, it goes around..."
When I was much younger I was a cadet crusader (age group brouhaha) in church. I can't remember whether it was a creed or anthem, or pledge; but I remember this scripture as part of it — and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore...
I get it, okay? Be a rock. Be a wall. No running. No slouching. Be alert. No grumbling. Stand. Stand firm. I get it. I am still tired, but I get it.